the spaces that fill empty shapes

with love

2011-05-21T22:43:00.001-07:00

go here now - it's all there!

Non Serviam

2010-02-10T09:10:00.000-08:00

Lucifer, we are told, was a son of the morning, a radiant and mighty angel; and yet he fell: he fell and there fell with him a third part of the host of heaven: he fell and was hurled with his rebellious angels into hell. What his sin was we cannot say. Theologians consider that it was the sin of pride, the sinful thought conceived in an instant: Non serviam, I will not serve.

“I like myself. I am a good person.”—In no way could this superficial affirmation compete with the dark currents of thought below: “If this is life, I want no part of it.”

I will not serve that in which I no longer believe whether it call itself my home, my fatherland or my church: and I will try to express myself in some mode of life or art as freely as I can and as wholly as I can, using for my defense the only arms I allow myself to use, silence, exile, and cunning.

“I have been insubordinate, but only when directives did not serve the best interests of the organization. It is stubbornness, certainly; but it is not blind pride.”

applied for membership

2009-05-11T00:14:00.000-07:00

on the way, a girl smiled at me as i passed. i had to force a scowl. it was half-hearted.

a dark door in a dark alley, the chrome of nearby motorcycles reflecting a neon-light.
"ID." she said.
"there you go, sweety." and stamped my wrist.

no one dancing on a Sunday. a bit dissapointed.

the bartender had a FU MANCHU 'STACHE hanging from his face, a pentagram aroung his neck, hanging against customary black. "how's yer day goin'?" --with a bright smile. i shouldn't have tipped him, but i did.

great music though, for this little corner i've found. good place for a troll to sit. a crisscross place. a jigsaw room.

on an empty dance floor, those that dance don't dance for long.
the lights spin while i drink and become sad.

Orange Alert

2009-04-26T00:44:00.000-07:00

'There is some evidence from the Center for Disease Control (CDC) that links certain breeds with dog bite fatalities [8]. The dog breeds that were linked to dog bite fatalities were pit-bull type dogs, German Shepherds, Rottweilers, Husky type dogs, Doberman Pinschers, Wolf-Dog Hybrids and Alaskan Malamutes. Despite these statistics, the CDC and the authors of this study argue against breed specific legislation because (1) many breeds of dog are associated with dog bite fatalities; (2) dog-bite related fatalities are linked more strongly with responsible dog ownership; and (3) insufficient data for making statistical claims. The CDC has stated that it is incapable of determining whether the statistics above reflect a disproportionate representation of specific breeds because of a lack of data. [9] In order to calculate breed-specific fatality rates, they need reliable breed-specific population data. This data is not available. Thus, although there is a trend towards certain breeds being more dangerous than others, this cannot be conclusively proven.'

first meal

2008-10-04T11:49:00.000-07:00

Some personal rules for silent meals:

1. Take something from each dish that is offered.
2. Take equal helpings of each dish.
3. Eat everything you take.
4. Take only what can be eaten before second helpings is passed.
5. Do not be the last one eating.

The grapes were my downfall. I figured a little sprig of grapes would be easy to get down. Not so. How naive am I at life that I have never eaten, nor am able to recognize, nor able to eat with any proficiency--seeded grapes. Those bulbous purple bastards, it took me some time to even figure out what was happening. What is this crunchy thing? There is something horrible in the grape! It slowly dawned on me what was happening. If I had not decided to eat them last, I could have paced myself, allowing time to develop a method. Too late! My frantic tongue twisted the grape against my teeth, trying to extract the cursed seed; but to no avail. Each time the skin separated and the juicy innards clung to the seed like glue. Eventually, I resorted to shoving my fingers in my mouth (which is not something you can do subtly) and gnashing with my front teeth.

After only managing 5 or 6 grapes, I slumped back in my chair, defeated. Rules 3, 4, and 5; abandoned.

first day

2008-10-04T11:36:00.000-07:00

We walked along the cloister. There was a misting of rain that fell slowly. Stopping at the Buddha Hall fountains, the clouds that shrouded the mountain only moments ago retreated. Sun poured through the opening and a rainbow rose over the tall pines.

My reasons for coming seemed small against the backdrop of such an auspicious welcome.

"La Commedia è finita!"

2008-09-26T17:33:00.000-07:00

I stole a carnation from Pagliacci
and gave it to the girl crying at Starbucks
She needed it more than I did
and we cried together on the walk home

jack-in-the-box

2008-09-26T17:06:00.000-07:00

One possible theory as to the origin of the jack-in-the-box involves a 13th century English prelate Sir John Schorne who is often pictured holding a boot with a devil in it. It is believed in folklore that he once cast the devil into a boot to protect the village of North Marston in Buckinghamshire. If it's true, it would explain why in French, a jack-in-the-box is called a "diable en boîte" (literally "boxed devil"). [wowwiki]

most of us have a box. in the box is pain and something else.
and now, verses from jackofshapes:

out of the box
comes a devil and a clown
laughs as he whips you
until you join his parade

he is one without
from his blood flowers grow
he chews at the raw spots
that heal over with a scar

2008-09-23T23:17:00.000-07:00

"What's in the box?"
"Pain."

Raytheon Creates Pain Box From Dune

wow, thanks Raytheon. good to see you're spending your time wisely, but mine's better because it's invisible and sits snug at the base of my sternum.

2008-09-21T20:02:00.001-07:00

today's failure

that girl with the short black hair was obviously staring at me and I didn't say hello.

I walked past a tattoo parlor (a man was draped over a table, his bare back being marked with an elaborate pattern) and did not go in to talk about Japanese script.

today's success

I know her name is Janette and she knows my name is Matthew.

I walked straight into a BUGBEAR* at CalAnderson Park! --Tom no longer has red hair! (equally shocking)

*bugbear is a black pug puppy; he's a nibbler, and his ball has brightly colored ribbons that hurt my eyes.

monkey's paw

2008-09-19T02:12:00.000-07:00

"the most dangerous assumptions are the ones you don't realize you're making."

I've come across (as if I'd never seen it before) an elaborate knot of thoughts regarding romantic relationships. In prying open this monkey's paw it is obvious that it was designed to approach love with the absolute minimum chance of pain or rejection.

Funny how it only seems to create more of both...

the rock from space

2008-09-15T10:02:00.000-07:00

At first it just looked like pain, this black stone I'd coughed up. But under the green glow of the emotional spectrometer, more elements were visible. Thick veins of loneliness and shame streaked its surface. This was an exciting discovery! My colleagues and I had for many years been searching for a pure source of these elements. Theories as to their nature filled the many books of our library and were shouted against the panelled walls of this vaulted institution.

Pulling from my own modest studies, I shall try, in layman's terms, to explain what it is that makes these elements (the term element is not precisely correct, for shame is actually a compound) so fascinating:

Loneliness comes into being only in the darkest reaches of our universe. It arises naturally in areas of total non-interaction, where particles of matter are divided by vast distances. There is no bumping or jostling, things simply hang inert, against the cold vacuum of space.

Shame, as I've stated, is a compound. For, when loneliness reacts chemically with any other substance, regardless of its properties, shame is always formed!

Next time, perhaps we shall discuss the highly theoretical (controversial and probably dangerous) process by which loneliness can be converted back into normal matter.

sweet smelling and informative

2008-09-12T14:25:00.000-07:00

http://blisssoap.com/

"You know, I was reading the other day. Did you know that sandalwood is on the endangered list? That and redheads, because it's--what do you call it--a recessive trait. My two cousins are redheads. I keep telling them they better breed or they'll get caged up in a zoo somewhere. With the tea-tree, did you want alot or a little?"

2008-09-12T00:53:00.001-07:00

coils of the serpent, unwind!
my snapdragons are sprouting.

the source of the hurricane

2008-09-11T13:41:00.001-07:00

everyone loves Jack
but no one loves Simon

"Just a bad call, it's so funny
you think I'm so serious, oh but that's not it
The thing is I don't give enough to actually give a fuck
You're just plain boring and you bore me asleep"

“If you have ice cream I will give you some.
If you have no ice cream I will take it away from you.”

[that's right students, another pop Koan - give you a five second head start on this one - GO!]

Appendix A

2008-09-11T00:47:00.000-07:00

Once, there was a Monk that achieved such a high level of spiritual attainment that all the animals of the forest would come to him. Deer would come and bow their heads. Birds would land upon his shoulders, singing joyously. Then after a time this Monk, deep in meditation, reached an even higher enlightenment and the animals came to him no more.

In breaking with my [perhaps] bad habit of writing in riddles (I flatter myself to think of them as koans), I'm going to do some exposition on that last post.

Some of you will recognize the former title as a quote from Avatar, the Nickelodeon cartoon series, from the episode The Guru. The words are given to us by Aang, the last airbender, who at the time is looking to cleanse his 7th chakra, the crown chakra, governed by pure cosmic energy but blocked by earthly attachment. At that time Aang faces the conflict between his love for Katara and his desire to achieve a transcendent consciousness. As he begins to let go of these attachments he is struck by a vision of Katara chained to a wall, suffering. This plot point is nearly identical in The Empire Strikes Back, the next quote I reference, where Luke rushes off to save his friends, against the stern protests of Yoda.

So you ask, why is this significant? What do these moments have to say about our experience?

In certain strands of Buddhist philosophy there is the idea of a Bodhisattva that holds himself back from enlightenment until all beings may achieve enlightenment.

Sometimes one's spiritual attainment is symbolized by a circle. When one first heads out on the path, the circle is blackened. The student lives in ignorance and darkness. As he (or she) continues down the path, a light appears, reaching across the circle like the growing brightness of a waxing moon, first crescent, then half, then gibbous and then full. But in this metaphor the highest level of attainment is always a return to darkness, and once again the circle is blackened.

These pop culture references are meant to highlight the limitation of the guru figure. The wise, impressive figure in a high mountain abode, deep in meditation, is limited by an attachment to enlightenment which keeps him utterly serene but still separate somehow from his brothers below. In both cases, it is the impetuous student, riddled with attachment, that through toil and sacrifice, saves the day.

How many of you got that from the last post?

also, the full Avatar episode I was talking about is here:

http://video.aol.com/video-detail/avatar-the-guru-full-length/485803236

"Why would I choose cosmic energy over Katara?" said Aang to the guru.

2008-09-10T02:06:00.000-07:00

Meditating in the swamps of Degobah [1]

"I saw... I saw a city in the clouds."
"Mmm. Friends you have there."
"They were in pain."

[1] from wikipedia: The word Dagobah comes from a Sri Lankan term for a Buddhist stupa, or reliquary monument.

"This chakra deals with willpower, and is blocked by shame," said the guru to Aang.

2008-09-10T01:09:00.000-07:00

My early memory is a series of disjointed sensations and images. Recently, I had a conversation with my mother about my childhood. She said, “You were always a solitary child. You loved doing things by yourself. There were never many children around, because you were the oldest, but you loved the company of adults.”

For the last two days I've been choking on the concept that shame blocks willpower. The mind expands in a series of explosive bursts, blasts away all that useful energy, and leaves only a cold dense core, sitting in the crook of my throat. But we'll see what we can come up with:

When shame covers the heart [cloud-like] we are willing to humiliate ourselves for the sake of others. They are much larger than we. A man climbing a mountain cannot help but feel awe. The boy sitting alone, surrounded by playing children, eventually shrinks to the size of a man.

When was the first time we thought to ourselves, there must be something wrong with me? When was the first time we stood by someone beautiful and thought, I'm just not up to this?

"I guess you get to the point where you look at that pain as if it were there in front of you three feet away lying in a box, an open box, in a window somewhere. It's hard and cold, like a bar of metal. You just look at it and say, All right, I'll take it, I'll buy it."

I don't know how any of this relates to willpower, but maybe after I cough up this stone I'll have a better idea.

Nikki

2008-09-08T21:05:00.000-07:00

Nikki, an adorable and well behaved 10yr old white Shepard mix, was abandoned by her owner at the dog daycare facility where I work. She was taken to animal control today after staying with us for about a month.

We sent emails and left messages on her dad's cell phone.

We visited the address he gave--a 'no dogs' apartment. The apt. manager had never heard of him.

We called Nikki's vet. They had the same information we did, nothing more.

two sides of one coin

2008-09-06T23:09:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to talk in a less formal [or vague] way.
So I made this space [with rough and unable pen].

My companion journal, for wider spaces is
http://www.jackofshapes.blogspot.com/